Jim Rockford's Answering Machine
Here is the list of those unusual messages always popping up on Jim's machine, as compiled by Ken Christ, Alex McEwan, Alex Morando, and email@example.com.
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The Kirkoff Case  Jim, It's Norma at the market. It bounced. You want us to tear it up, send it back, or put it with the others?
The Dark And Bloody Ground  Hey Jim, this is Louie down at the fish market. You going to pick up these halibut or what?
The Countess  Hey Rockford, very funny. I ain't laughing. You're gonna' get yours.
Exit Prentiss Carr  It's Morrie. Got a call from Davis at the IRS. You were right. They bounced your return. Call me.
Tall Woman In Red Wagon  It's Laurie at the trailer park. A space opened up. Do you want me to save it or are the cops going to let you stay where you are?
This Case Is Closed  Really want Shimbu in the seventh? C'mon, that nag couldn't go a mile in the back of a pickup truck. Call me.
The Big Ripoff  It's Aundra. Remember last summer at Pat's? I've got a twelve hour layover before I go to Chicago. How about it?
Find Me If You Can  This is the blood bank. If you don't have malaria, hepatitis, or TB, we'd like to have a pint of your blood.
In Pursuit Of Carol Thorne  This is the message phone company. I see you're using our unit, now how about paying for it?
The Dexter Crisis  I staked out that guy only it didn't work out like you said. Please call me. Room 234, County Hospital.
Caledonia--It's Worth A Fortune  It's John Jones. What did you do the hand, son? Three fractured knuckles! You hit somebody?
Profit And Loss Part One: Profit  Hey Jimmy, this here's Tida Skaret. Remember me? From the army. I'm stuck here in town. How about I come over and bunk with you, buddy?
Profit And Loss Part Two: Loss  This is Mrs. Mosely at the library. We billed you for your overdue book "Karate Made Easy." We abuse our libary, we don't get our cards renewed.
Aura Lee, Farewell  Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could you call me at...my name is, uh, never mind. Forget it.
Sleight Of Hand  Rockford, this is Mr. Dow. If you think I'm going to pay to have your car repainted, you're nuts. You can take your expense bill and stuff it.
Counter Gambit  Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and I want to pay you the $500 I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back.
Claire  Mr. Rockford? This is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary Etiquette. We aren't going to call again. Now, you want these free lessons, or what?
Say Goodbye To Jennifer  This is Mrs. Lindis. Three times this month I come to clean and it always looks like people been fighting in there. Furniture broke, things tipped over. I'm sorry, but I quit.
Charlie Harris At Large  Hey, Jim, it's me. Susan Ellis from the laundromat. You said you were going to call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
The Four Pound Brick  This is Shirley from the bank. The answers are: no, no and yes. No, we won't loan you money. No, we won't accept any co-signers; and yes, your account's overdrawn. I get off at 4:30.
Just By Accident  This is Thelma Sue Bigsly. It's about the research I called you about, family tree. Did you talk to your daddy? We may be kin.
Roundabout  This is Marilyn Reed, I want to talk to you...is this a machine? I don't talk to machines.
The Aaron Ironwood School Of Success  Hi, Jim. We couldn't reach you, so we went ahead with the job and I know you're really going to dig it. But if you don't I suppose we can always tear it out.
The Farnsworth Strategem  Rockford, this is Tony. Now, your car's ready. Couldn't reach you, so I went ahead and put in the new pistons. The tab's $527.54. And this time we're talking cash.
Gearjammers Part One  Jimmy, it's Angel. Don't pay no attention to my other message. You're out of it. You're clean, no trouble at all. Just ignore the first message.
Gearjammers Part Two  Okay, pal, it's Harry. I just checked my car. You kept the battery charged all right, you also put 3500 miles on it.
The Deep Blue Sleep  Hi, Jim. Thanks for the dinner invitation. I'd love to, but does it have to be the taco stand?
The Great Blue Lake Land And Development Company  Hello-Jim-Rockford's-machine. This-is-Larry-Doheny's-machine. Will-you-please-have-your-master-call-my-master-at-his-convenience? Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you.
The Real Easy Red Dog  Jim? It's Shirley at the cleaners. You know that brown jacket, the one I said looked so great on you? Your favorite. We lost it.
Resurrection In Black And White  Hiya, Jimmy, it's Cousin Lou. Going to be in town a coupla days. Know you won't mind putting us up. It's just me and Aunt Sissy and B.J. and the kids and little Freddie.
Chicken Little Is A Little Chicken  Jim, it's Beth. You have the vet's number, the flea collar and extra litter. One thing I forgot, keep him away from other cats. He's not very discriminating.
2 Into 5.56 Won't Go  Jim, it's Maria over at the laundromat. There's a yellow dress in with your things. Is that a mistake, or special handling, or what?
Pastoria Prime Pick  Hey, Jimbo, Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. Wanna help on the audit now?
The Reincarnation Of Angie  Hi, Jim, it's Jamie at the police impound. They picked up your car again. Lately, they've been driving it more than you have.
The Girl In The Bay City Boys Club  Hi, sonny, it's Rocky. I got the bill and I've been trying to figure what everybody owes on L.J.'s birthday party. Tell me, did you have the Pink Lady?
The Hammer Of C Block  It's Jack. The check is in the mail. Sorry it's two years late. Sorry I misfigured my checking account and I'm overdrawn. Sorry I stopped payment on it. So, when it comes, tear it up. Sorry.
The No-Cut Contract  Horas fantasticos. La unique opportunidad en su vida la frescia rosaria llantas realiades. Call toll free - cinco-cinco-cinco, tres-uno-dos-uno.
A Portrait Of Elizabeth  Jim, it's Harry. We've been waitin' on you for two hours at the Forbes'. Where's the forks? Lasagna ain't no finger-food.
Joey Blue Eyes  Sorry, Jim, this is for Rocky. Hey, Rock...Stan. Top that redhead and her sister, 10:30, Stacy's Grill. **chuckle**
In Hazard  Mr. Rockford, Miss Miller of the Bartlet Book Club. "Great Detectives Of America" is not in stock, so we sent you "Cooking Made Easy." Hope you enjoy it.
The Italian Bird Fiasco  Jim? Sally. Hey, I just found out you were an Aries. Listen, if you have Virgo rising, give me a call.
Where's Houston  Jim? Madame Arcala at the Zodiac Resturant. You don't pay that dinner tab, we're gonna repo your birthday.
Foul On The First Play  Jim, it's Eddie. You were right about Sweet Talk in the seventh. He breezed in, paid $72.50. But I didn't get your bet down.
A Bad Deal In The Valley  Uncle Jim? It's Ralph. I got your letter, but I moved out here anyway. I really want those detective lessons.
The Fourth Man  Hi, just want to put your mind at rest. Found your address book in the theater last week. It's in the mail. By the way, Carol's okay, but Linda...
The Oracle Wore A Cashmere Shirt  Teddy's Tree House. You've won our free landscaping services for one full year. We'll mow your lawn, top your trees, mulch, seed, fertilize and feed. Isn't that wonderful?
The Family Hour  Hey, Jim, it's Frank. Me and Ellie's down here for our convention. Can't wait to see you. Should be over at your place about 1 AM. Banzai, buddy.
Feeding Frenzy  Hi, this is the Happy Pet Clinic. Your father gave us this number when he left town. The calico stray had six kittens. Please come get them. Today!
Drought At Indianhead River  Jim, thanks for taking little Billy fishing, he had a great time. Turns out he wasn't even really seasick. Um, have you ever had chicken pox?
Coulter City Wildcat  It's Shirley at the Plant and Pot. There's just no easy way to tell you this, Jim. We did everything we could. Your fern died.
So Help Me God  Dr. Souter's office. This is the third time you've cancelled. Now, you have to have that root canal. A sore foot has nothing to do with your mouth.
Rattlers' Class Of '63  Gene's 24 Hour Emergency Plumbing. Your water heater's blown? We'll have somebody out there Tuesday. Thursday at the latest.
Return To The 38th Parallel  Tompkins at Guaranteed Insurance. About your burglary claim. Major loss all right. Funny you remembered to file, but you didn't remember to pay your premium.
Piece Work  This is Dr. Souter's office again, regarding that root canal. This doctor is in his office...waiting. He's beginning to dislike you.
The Trouble With Warren  Jimmy, it's Phil in Puerto Rico. This is real important. Talked to Mr.[line noise], he'll pay $20,000. Call him at [line noise].
There's One In Every Port  Bummer! I call up with some good vibes and some positive energies, and I talk to a robot? Forget you, man!
Sticks And Stones May Break Your Bones, But Waterbury Will Bury You  This is the Department Of The Army. Our records show that you are the "Rockford, James" who failed to turn in his service automatic in May 1953. Contact us at once.
The Trees, The Bees And T.T. Flowers Part One  Jimmy, old buddy, buddy. It's Angel! You know how they allow you one phone call? Well, this is it.
The Trees, The Bees And T.T. Flowers Part Two  Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
The Becker Connection  Hi, um, I'm confused. Is this Dial-A-Prayer? Well, should I call back when the reverend's in the office, or what?
Just Another Polish Wedding  George Devon, Malibu Space Watch. Had three sightings last week. You see anything unusual? Television reception interrupted? Call 555-1313.
New Life, Old Dragons  It's Pete. Hope you enjoyed using the cabin last week. Only next time leave the trout in the refrigerator, huh? Not in the cupboard.
To Protect And Serve Part One  This is Dusty, your father's friend. So you helped me move, that's it? You couldn't call? See if maybe I don't like the new place? See if maybe there's some painting to be done?
To Protect And Serve Part Two  This is incredible. Do you know that last night I had one of my dreams? I dreamed that if I called you, you wouldn't be home. And you're not.
Crack Back  The is Doctor Souter. My nurse tells me you've blown four root canal appointments. Well, you're finished in this office.
Dirty Money, Black Light  This is Toby. I forgot what I was calling for. Your recording is so boring. Spike it with some humor, some personality. Something.
Beamer's Last Case  [loud traffic noise in background] Jimmy, this is Angel. Listen, I've got this new pad, right over by the Hollywood Freeway, and some friends are coming. Borrow your record player?
Trouble In Chapter 17  [Noises from large dog in background] Jim, this is Donna. Boy, we've really been swamped today. No, sit. We should closing in about...sit. I'll meet you at...oh, get down.
The Battle Of Canoga Park  It's Betty from up the street. I'm phoning all the neighbors because Spotty is loose. If you see him, call me. Oh, don't wear musk cologne. Leopards have a thing about that.
Second Chance  This is Globe Publications. Our records show you did not return your free volume of the Encyclopedia Of Weather. So, we'll be sending you the remaining twenty-nine volumes. You'll be billed accordingly.
The Dog And Pony Show  Jimmy, Lou. You owe me five bucks. Matarozo's average in the '68 Series was .310 not .315. Oh...and...uh...Fran and I are getting divorced.
Requiem For A Funny Box  Mr. Rockford, Sue Ellen. Our class is having that crazy scavenger hunt I told you about. If you're wondering what happened to your trailer door, it's going to win me first prize.
Quickie Nirvana  Hey, I saw your ad in the classified. Three African goats for sale. I keep calling and all I get is a machine. Is that a typo in the paper, or what?
Irving The Explainer  So you put your machine on at night, huh? Just because I call you at 3 A.M.? You know how bad my insomnia is. Thanks a lot Jim.
The Mayor's Committee From Deer Lick Falls  Jim? This is Manny down at Ralph's Bar. Some guy named Angel Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. Now he wants to charge it to you. You gonna pay it?
Hotel Of Fear  Hey, am I too late for those African goats? Haven't got the whole three hundred cash, but, like I've got a whole lot of homemade cheese. Maybe we could work something out.
Forced Retirement  *Beep* Hi, there. If you are interested in selling your product by a computerized telephone sales *beep* stay on the line and one of our representatives will speak with you.
The Queen Of Peru  Jim, it's Grace, at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. You don't have $500. You have $50. Sorry, computer foul up.
A Deadly Maze  Hey, Jimmy, I tried to catch you before you left. Hey, buddy, I was wrong. That rally in Mexico, it was yesterday.
The Attractive Nuisance  Jimmy Scott? This is Aunt Bea from Tulsa. Cousin Randy just graduated high school and wants to be a movie producer. Now you live out in Hollywood, you just do something.
The Gang At Don's Drive-In  Jim, I have finally finished twelve long years of pyschotherapy and I'm now able to tell you just what I think of you. Would you please call me?
The Paper Palace  This is Mrs. Owens with the Association For A Better Malibu. Thanks for your contributions. We've made great strides, but it would help dear, if you could move your trailer.
Dwarf In A Helium Hat  Here's the tally, Jimbo. You had Atlanta at even money, tough break. And you got bombed in the Duke-Wake Forest fiasco, and you split the Cornell at Hollypark. So you're in the book for $4.50. Anytime before Friday, huh, buddy?
South By Southeast  Bill Skelly with ICO. I'd like to interest you in some new private detection, including the 44OA Telephonic Bug. We'll demonstrate it in a friend's home for one full week, at no charge.
The Competitive Edge  Okay, Jimbo, Dennis. I know you're in there. And I know you know it's ticket season again. Policeman's Ball and all that. So come to the door when I knock this time. I know you're in there.
The Prisoner Of Rosemont Hall  That number four you just picked up from Angelo's Pizza? Some scouring powder fell in there. Don't eat it. Hey, I hope you try your phone machine before dinner.
The House On Willis Avenue  Good morning, this is the telephone company. Due to repairs we're giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely at 10 o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
The House On Willis Avenue Part II [***] Sonny, this is Dad. Nevermind giving that talk on your occupation to the Grey Power Club. Hap Dudley's son is a doctor and everybody'd sorta...well, rather hear from him, but thanks.
Heartaches Of A Fool  Say, I'm the one who hit your car at Fork City. I've got no insurance, I'm broke. But, I really wanted you to know how sorry I am. If it makes you feel any better I hurt my arm.
Rosendahl And Gilda Stern Are Dead  Hello? You the guy who lost a wallet in the Park Theater? Well, I'm kinda like into leather. So, I'll be returning the money, but I'm going to keep the wallet.
The Jersey Bounce  Jimmy, Angel. Here's a tip, but his handwriting's bad. Third Son in the fifth race at Bel Meadows. Wait a minute, could be Fifth Son in the third. Wait, this might be next week's race.
White On White And Nearly Perfect  Pacific view lots. Perpetual care by people who care. At an unbelievably low price. Call Montief and Snell, the full service mortuary. We won't rest easy, until you rest easy.
Kill The Messenger  Jim, Chet, returning your call. Sorry I missed you, but I appreciate you calling back. And if you call again and I'm not in, just leave your message and I'll get back to you.
The Empty Frame  Jim, directions to the party. Left on Sagis you'll see a rock. Left, left again, right, another left, there's kind of a hill--keep going you'll probably see a bunch of cars.
Three Day Affair With A Thirty Day Escrow  Rockford? Alice, Phil's Plumbing. We're still jammed up on a job, so we won't be able to make your place. Use the bathroom at the restaurant one more night.
A Good, Clean Bust With Sequel Rights  Jim, I have to thank you for talking over my problems with me last Tuesday night. I love you for it, but can you have lunch tomorrow to talk about the divorce? I'm real bummed out.
Black Mirror  Jim, I leave London four o'clock, arrive L.A. nine. I guess that's London time. Yeah, four to nine is five, minus twelve flying... no, plus twelve. Ah, but then there's a time change.
Black Mirror II [***] Rockford, Jake at the Sand Pebble. Sorry old buddy, but there have been gunshots around your place once too often. The neighborhood association wants to have a talk with you.
A Fast Count  Jim, you give Peg the two hundred for the painting. She owes me seventy and I owe you forty-six for the Christmas trees. Harry's still out sixty for the dinner, but at least it'll void that check.
Local Man Eaten By Newspaper  Sonny, this message ain't for you, it's for me. I just want to remind myself to pick up the big ladder at the Paint Mart.
With The French Heel Back, Can The Nehru Jacket Be Far Behind?  Jim, Coop. I'm at the address you wrote down for the poker game tonight. This is a gas station, it's closed, there's no one around and now my car is stalled. Now, you got to call me at 4-6-6-3-*click*.
The Battle-Ax And The Exploding Cigar  Miss Hollroy, City Federal. Your lost check still hasn't arrived. It's impossible for us to lose checks, so unless we receive full payment by noon today we'll foreclose.
Guilt  Jimmy, Angel. Listen, Eddie Talliferro just gave me a hot tip on a class filly in the eighth out at Holly Park. Only trouble is I need twenty.
The Deuce  Mr. Rockford, Arthur's Hi-Fi. Your stereo is ready, but since your warranty expired in the two months it was in our shop, you'll have to pay the $60 on the repair.
The Man Who Saw The Alligators  Mr. Rockford, you know what to do if you are attacked and killed? Ask for Albert Kimcee at grand opening of Happy Dawn School of Secret Arts. Win free lesson.
Return Of The Black Shadow  Jim, this is Florence Boyle, you worked for my husband last month in Glendale. You were so helpful then, and, well I have a problem of my own I'd like to discuss. Confidentially, of course.
A Material Difference  Jim, Joel Myers at Crowell, Finch and Merriwether. We're going to court tomorrow with that Penrose fraud case, but steno misplaced your 200 page deposition. Could you come down tonight and give it again?
Never Send A Boy King To Do A Man's Job Part One  Mr. Rockford, Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your renewal before the extended deadline, but not your check. I'm sorry, but at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
Never Send A Boy King To Do A Man's Job Part Two [***] Jim, Denny from Denny's Pest Blasters. Got a great deal for ya. We'll rub out your rodents at a tremendously low cost. So call us, we're in the Yellow Pages and we mean business.
A Different Drummer  Jim, this is Andrea at Todd's Food Mart. Listen, there's a guy down here by the name of Angel Martin whose charge $110 worth of groceries to your account. Is that okay with you?
Paradise Cove  Jim, this is Cal of the Leave The Whales Alone Club. Our protest cruise leaves from the pier Saturday at 3 AM. The whales need you, Jim.
Lions, Tigers, Monkeys And Dogs  This is Betty Frenell. I don't know who to call, but I can't reach my Food-Aholics partner. I'm at Vito's on my second pizza with sausage and mushroom. Jim, come and get me.
Lions, Tigers, Monkeys And Dogs Part II [***] Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight so I can't make our date. But I've got to find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim. It's only two days and you'll see, Great Danes are no problem.
Only Rock 'N' Roll Will Never Die Part One  (sung) We're down at Hennesey's Bar, Jim, having a drink or two. You better get down here quick, Jim, or we'll probably take up your stool!
Only Rock 'N' Roll Will Never Die Part Two  Jimmy, this is Dora. I'm gonna move in with the kids, but I'll sure miss you, dear. Thank you for taking out the garbage every week. I'll send you a card for your birthday.
Love Is The Word  This is Maria at Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client Todd Lehman skipped and his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '79 Firebird, I believe. Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
Nice Guys Finish Dead  Jim, Dwight. I put a new outlet in the kitchen. I lay in the cable and the box. Then I pull the breaker just like you said. And both of my tv sets start burning. What should I do now?
The Hawaiian Headache  Billings, LAPD. You know Thursday is Chapman's twentieth year and we're giving a ltttle surprise party at the captain's. I think you should come. By the way, we need five bucks for the present. [This is the same message as in the pilot movie "Backlash Of The Hunter"]
No Fault Affair  Oh, I thought this was Dial-A-Joke. I'm going to a party and I need some icebreakers. But, uh, I guess that's...that.
The Big Cheese  This is The Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Okay, meet me at 1 A.M. behind the bus depot, bring $500, and come alone. I'm serious.
Just A Coupla Guys  Mr. Rockford, this is Betty-Jo Withers. I got four shirts of yours from the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's shirts, but they're going back.
Deadlock In Parma  Because of where you live says so much about you, your home has been selected by Royal Imperial Roofing and Siding as our neighborhood showcase. A bonded representative will call on you.
The Rockford Files (a.k.a. Backlash Of The Hunter)  Billings, LAPD. You know, Thursday is Chapman's 20th year, and we're giving a little surprise party at the Captain's. I think you should come. By the way, we need five bucks for the present.
I Still Love L.A.  Jim, it's Benny. I know your sewer's backed up, but I can't get out there today. Maybe your buyers won't notice.
A Blessing In Disguise  Jim, it's Paul. Hey, I've been waiting two months for taht invitation, buddy. Are you gonna get that new sportschannel before the Rams leave L.A.?